How to Solve a Conflict Without Compromising: 10 Ways to Communicate in a Feminine Way

Have you ever been in a disagreement with your partner where the more you tried to explain yourself, the worse things got? Or you “compromised” to avoid more conflict but secretly felt resentful and began taking records of wrongdoing?

We all want to become steadfast: coming away from reactivity and into this inner calm, peace and resilience. It is said that men choose a woman they feel peace with and women choose a man they feel safe with. Conflict is no space to feel “safe” or “peace” in — how can we make even conflict a positively memorable experience?

Watch the video, to learn how to navigate conflict with more ease and to build a deeper connection in the process.

We’ll go over:

• Why compromising is never the aim, and what to do instead.
• Specific steps to remain calm during the hardest conversations and what patterns of speech to switch so you know you’re on the same team.
• Real-life examples and what love chemicals are at play that bond you two together.

Compromise is Never the Aim (& What To Do Instead)

It is often said that it takes compromise to create a successful marriage. Upon looking up the definition, I couldn’t disagree more. To compromise is to:

1. settle a dispute by mutual concession
2. accept standards that are lower than is desirable

So I had to look up the meaning of concession:

1. a thing that is granted, especially in response to demands; a thing conceded.

And concede:

1. admit (defeat) in a contest
2. surrender or yield

It is clear that compromising only leads to resentment. This is not the way to a healthy, fulfilling, and joyful long-term relationship! I looked up the definition of collaborate: the action of working with someone to produce or create something. Collaborating seems like a much easier way to truly acknowledge and honour both partners’ values, desires and needs long-term.

For example, if neither of you want to cook that evening, instead of the compromise of cooking together, collaborate and decide to either go out to a restaurant or order takeaway. The point is: you have new options to do something together instead of either of you feeling resentful.

I enjoy referencing Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Instead of being in survival mode, where we’re constantly having to fight against another, we realize our survival is not at risk and are able to move up the ladder to self-actualization where we can work creatively together.

The Difference Between Men & Women Under Stress

Men and women relate to stress in different ways. Women want to talk about it; we are co-regulators. But men want to regulate alone, and they retreat into their own caves to do so. We are wired differently so, when women feel overwhelmed, we want to turn to our man to talk about it. But he doesn’t think an issue is being solved by repeating it. He wants to be able to come at it creatively, which is why changing this one word — from compromise to collaborate — is exactly what might turn both of your perspectives towards long-term gain!

The Importance Of Being Feminine

I often say, “You don’t know someone until you see who they are when it’s hard!” How do they treat you when life isn’t in their favor? Are they still gentle towards you, or does stress threaten their integrity?

When we’re reactive, it’s hard to communicate effectively. Past triggers will come up, and we’ll lack the sense to know how to navigate towards a desired outcome. When we feel unstable, the part of us that we are unaware of comes out. The subconscious mind protects us from potential threats and, if unmet, we can collapse back to a pattern we cannot control, or return to our identity at the time we were first triggered — usually childhood.We’re very much stuck in our child brain and in that survival mechanism that isn’t yet thinking creatively.

If you don’t trust your man, your female claws will come out. Trusting your man has everything to do with trusting yourself to state your needs and keep meeting them — either alone or in this relationship. Trust yourself so deeply that you’re able to let down your guard in the company of those in your inner circle.

Your man doesn’t deserve you spewing anger, resentment or annoyance onto him. If you believe he has all the qualities you chose, treat him likewise. Let’s not treat men like they’re less than they actually are. Breathe life and faith into your man — especially at your weakest, most vulnerable moment — , so he can do the same for you. It is childish to turn on your person in moments of doubt! “Have the strength it takes to be soft,” I tell my women. It’s easy to be hard, guarded and numb. Softness takes so much more intention.

GK Chesterton’s ‘Orthodoxy’ puts it poetically:

“The swiftest things are the softest things. A bird is active, because a bird is soft. A stone is helpless, because a stone is hard. The stone must by its own nature go downwards, because hardness is weakness. (…) solemnity flows out of men naturally; but laughter is a leap. It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.”

Do you want to be the bird or the stone? What brings men closer to women are those who are incredibly playful, happy-go-lucky and fun! Rather than giving up this ease at any point in a relationship, we can nurture it. If you’re here, you want to be the bird.

As in nature, what is soft has been through the trial. A raging river slowly carves its protective bank over time and finds its freedom in its rushing waters. A pearl forms as the oyster coats an irritating grain of sand, and a cliff rock loses its sharp edges to the water that crashes against it. The greatest beauty is born in discomfort and pain. Our heart can widen as it cracks open — “that’s how the light gets in!” Let that be you.

Put The Upset Into Perspective

First, let me address expectations. How can we expect men to know our feelings and needs before we even know them?

Women are the leaders in the emotional realm, and men are the leaders in the physical realm. They provide, protect, and safeguard us, whereas we look at where treatment standards are falling and where he can pick up and become even more of who we know he can be. That is our job in the relationship. We cannot expect a man to do anything for us before we put our own feelings and needs into words!.

We need to be in touch with our intuition and with our anger — which is always a secondary emotion, hiding another emotion beneath, telling us where our boundaries and limits lie. Perhaps men are responding to the way that we treat them and to the way that we hold ourselves. Ultimately, we teach others how to treat us.

Regulate Your Emotions

Men tend to think chaotic energy is characteristic of women, but that’s only when we project it onto them. As a rule, be there when things are light, and then remove yourself when things are stressful.

If we remain in overwhelm, so does our emotion. But expressing it is a creative act. As we hold our emotion for longer, we can translate it.

When you’re overwhelmed by emotion, tell your partner, “I need a couple of hours to take a break.” Go away and play some music, dance, do a sport that you like, run, walk your dog, walk alone in nature, go for a swim — do something to get into your body. This helps take your mind off of the issue while also grounding you.

Don’t distract yourself and bury your emotions further by watching a movie or scrolling on Instagram. Learn what your intuition is saying by being in touch with your body: your subconscious, constantly picking up on signals to protect you. Let it speak and send messages to your brain by getting into it.

Exercise and movement will give you the vocabulary to voice your needs, and help you see your desirable outcome.

Keep the End Mind

Imagine the conversation knowing that he’s on your team. You’ve chosen to be in this relationship, both of you. It’s not about winning; it’s about connecting. The two differences between any task are: Is it just to complete it? Or is it about enjoying something together? When we can root our minds at the end of the conflicts, we’ll even enjoy seeing how they strengthen our bond.

Find an Appropriate Time

What I’ve found works best is to begin in a time when everything is already easeful. Instead of texting, “Hey, can we talk tonight?” which can sometimes put men on edge, wait until you’re already in each other’s presence to bring it up. Texting removes tone and body language: two essential tools for communicating meaning.

Practice Welcoming Language

How you do something is so much more important than what you do. You can use tone and body language — not just the words — to communicate that you are open, calm, and ready to be understanding.

Tone is everything. Speaking calmly invites cooperation and closeness. Nobody wants to listen to terseness, let alone hear what’s actually being said beneath all of it. Rather than crossed arms, open body language welcomes resolution.

You can begin with a genuine compliment to ease some tension before you make a request, for example, “I love how attentive you are when I get back with the shopping! I’d really appreciate…”

Generally, try to speak slower than you usually would to force yourself to think about how you’re sounding rather than just what you’re saying.

Use ‘I’ Statements

Frame statements around your feelings and your needs always. A phrase that has saved me countless times is: “I feel …” Not only is he understanding the impact that he created, but he’s not feeling blamed by me, which invites improvement. Here’s an example: “I feel frustrated when plans change at the last minute because I value consistency.” You haven’t accused him: “You change plans last minute,” “You make me so frustrated,” or, “You’re inconsistent.” Rather, you’ve shared those points of view in a very respectful way.

You can even add, “Is there anything you need from me in order to meet my need?”

When your person hears this, he’ll realize, “Okay, it’s important that I be more consistent in the plans and actually follow through with what I say I’ll do.” And will be able to ask freely for what he needs also.

Validate His Perspective

He will greatly value you seeing his perspective. One of the definitions of love, I think, is to seek to understand. If he replies why he might be changing plans last minute, it’s important to validate that: “I hear that you’re stressed about work. I can see how that’s overwhelming to you.”

He will feel understood simply because you said what it is that you heard instead of selfishly reacting or stating your next need. He’ll notice your empathy and your willingness to extend to his point of view and may find it smoother to practice empathy with you.

Stay Solution-Oriented

It’s vital to remain in the frame of collaboration instead of compromise. Constantly remind one another: “What is it we can do differently next time? How can we work better as a team?”

Lead By Example: Vulnerability

When you’re letting your partner in on what your intention is with what you’re sharing, he will be able to see that you’re vulnerable right now; not attacking him. He will realize, “This is about us!”

Being soft through vulnerability is greatly disarming and keeps you both connected. Remind him: “I’m sharing this because I care about us, and I want to make things better. I’m sharing this because it makes me feel safe, and I hope we can remain on the same page.”

Pause For Polarity!

Being able to pause in the moment is the key to rewriting reactivity!

Have you ever heard a piece of music that is absolutely extraordinary, coming to the crescendo, but suddenly there is a silence, and then it carries on? Do you not appreciate that second part of it so much more?

To be able to pause in a conflict means that you can change the tonality and the entire direction in which it’s going. You can be grateful for choosing one another.

If you want to remain feminine, lean back further than your man is leaning — quite literally, physically and emotionally. If he is leaning back in this conflict, then you lean back even further. Practice saying, “Let me think about this for a moment.” You might notice how he comes to your rescue and attempts to think about the solution with you. If you count to 10, he may jump in to fix it — so masculine! You don’t have to do more, simply allow for him to bridge the gap between you.

Real Life Practice with Attachment Styles & Love Chemicals

If you want to know what it is to navigate these instances in life, and build them into your practice instead of just leaving them as notes in your journal. If you’re familiar with attachment styles, you understand that there are two types: secure and insecure. Insecure can be either avoidant, anxious or anxious-avoidant attachment. I tend to work with women who are anxiously attached, wanting to be secure, and they tend to be in relationships with avoidantly attached men.

He Shuts Down During a Conflict

Typically, an avoidant man will shut down during a conflict because he will not have grown up in an environment where it was safe to address his emotions. He may not be comfortable with showing emotion, or even with you showing your own emotion.

His silence will often signify overwhelm and stress, not disinterest. He’s hearing everything you’re saying; it’s just that his survival mode is bleeping: wanting him to flee from the situation right now!

There are only two love chemicals in an avoidant man’s brain: dopamine = good & cortisol = bad. Dopamine is the pleasure chemical. His habits will be to seek little blips of dopamine throughout the day, attempting to soothe by watching movies, scrolling on social media and laughing with you. The deep stress he experiences from absolute cortisol highs block his oxytocin receptors. Oxytocin is that beautiful love chemical that is essential for pair-bonding and is exuded when cuddling and after sex: when oxytocin floods our veins. ​

Vasopressin is a hormone in males that’s linked to commitment and protective behavior. It’s activated when you solve something together, your bond deepening as you rise after many conflicts. He will see you as a reliable partner who he can turn to because even when it’s hard in life, you’re there. An avoidantly attached man is incapable of bonding with you in this way because he lacks vasopressin. So, he’ll be in extreme fight-or-flight mode during that conflict, and will shut down. It’s so important for you as his woman to say to him, “I’m here to listen when you’re ready to talk.”

He Gets Defensive

In another scenario, he gets defensive. Reiterate, “I am not here for disrespect.” Stay calm and avoid escalating the situation, or allowing his. emotions to escalate yours. Just say, “I see that you’re upset. Let’s take a step back and figure this out together.” If it really is escalating, say, “I’d like to finish this conversation, but only if we can keep it respectful.”

What we tend to do as empathic human beings is mirror each other’s behaviors. Try again to mirror that lower tone as often as possible. In the company of someone who’s quiet, we’ll tend to lower our voices, and in the company of someone who’s quite loud, we’ll tend to actually match that energy!

You Feel Unheard

If you also think, “I can’t speak up and be soft at the same time,” use vocabulary to express those emotions. “I feel unheard. Would it be possible if we took turns in sharing our thoughts?”

If when you’re feeling unheard, you think you can’t assert yourself as a feminine woman, know that there is a difference between firm and aggressive communication. Aggressive communication is no longer feminine. Firm communication states boundaries and needs. It’s only a boundary if you follow through with the consequences when it isn’t respected.

If you say, “I need this to remain respectful,” and then they don’t keep it that way, you can say, “I need a break from this. Let’s take 30 minutes.” Make sure that you actually come back to resolve it.

Simply be soft while speaking without being passive-aggressive. Sort through your own anger in that groundedness we began with so that you can return with utter peace and love for your partner!

Practice Solving a Conflict Without Compromising!

I will never be the type of person who can go to bed angry. The one thing we can rely on in this world is change in our circumstances. But we are the constants to change. If we can stand firm in our faith and communicate collaboratively, suddenly there’s no need to be resentful, to compromise, or to lack femininity.

These are all the things that you can shift as a feminine woman: how to be slower, how to put words to your emotions, how to let down your guard, how to remain anchored in yourself and in your needs, and how to not blame your person.

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